don't turn your back me

Hey, this thing almost has 1,000 pageviews!  Thanks for viewing my page.

I keep reminding myself that I have to write, write, write.  It's easier to write when stuff is actually going on.

After an unpleasant, 5-second encounter in a night that was otherwise very fun and  pleasant, I ran home (Sunday nights I always seem to run home, happy that I'm free of the burden of all my friends talking at once, very quickly, while slowly starting to ignore me.)  to lie in bed thinking "fuck this, fuck this."  I woke up with a hangover, of course, thought "fuck THIS" again and fled to the library where I sat angrily staring out the window at the most perfect, beautiful day.  I also ate a bagel next to a fake waterfall and let the waterfall splash on me a little.  After the bagel I felt better.  I don't feel "fuck this" anymore, I am just ready to go home.  I remembered something that I tell myself all the time, that I heard in a podcast.  "It's okay to just walk away."  "You don't HAVE to hang out with anybody."  I am being vague, I'll just say that a girl scolded me and I hate being scolded.  Nobody here knows anything about me.  How could you be mean to the quiet girl, oh because your girlfriend sells drugs and you're always on drugs and everybody is drunk.  Well, that's fine.

 I have 2 books to finish before I move back to NC and will possibly have no time to finish a book.  I'm going to be living with that boy again, a problem which i am half pleased about/half worried about.   It isn't really a big deal, I am mostly excited to be going back to North Carolina.  It's perfect to live in NC for only 4 months out of the year, just enough time so that I don't become dull and start hating it.  Spending the hottest months in a mountain climate (although this year it was as hot as anywhere in Colorado.)  although next year I might do Bonnaroo and Grassroots instead.  You work every day there, maybe I would serve Yeasayer and Kanye West burritos.  Wouldn't that be awesome?  A girl told me, "You should have a boyfriend if you go to those shows.  Otherwise you will just have boys ALL OVER YOU."  Sounds alright to me!

I decided to decide to start running.  Basically I want to lose weight but I don't want to give up my lifestyle of eating whatever I want and drinking lots of beers.  Running seems like the best exercise because once you're out and start running, you're too far away to just quit and go back and take a nap.  You have to at LEAST walk back to where you began, which is still exercise.  Also, you can do it anywhere, etc.  I almost went for my first "run" (walking mostly, running for one minute intervals) today in the state park, but it's always so dark inside when I pass by, and I don't know if there's parking close to the entrance, and I didn't have much gas and didn't want to get stuck in the dark, scary forest.  Excuses, excuses!  The real excuse is I don't have real running shoes and I don't want to fuck my feet up before I've even properly begun.  So there!

Despite all these worries and troubles, strangely, this is the best show so far.  I make a lot more money than at any of the other shows, I like my job a LOT, and I like the people I work for, and with.  All of these factors have never come together in any of my other jobs, except Ophelia's in Texas and NC.  Hopefully I can have the same job in Arizona.  We don't make such good tips there but it would still be better than what I made this year at that wings-selling job which I HATED.  I think I am just so antsy because I'm so close to home.  If this was the first show  or even a middle show I'd be so happy.  Also New York/New Jersey is kind of a ridiculous place.  I'm finally starting to see why my parents moved us to NC.  OH MY SWEEEEET CAROLINA!  

babies having babies

Today, instead of posting about my life at the renaissance festival, (I drive to the library every day, I eat salads and grilled cheeses almost exclusively, I'm bored with everyone every day but Sunday nights) I am going to write a rant!

At my age, it's not unusual to have many friends who have children.  Some of them even have multiple children by now.  I don't think any of my friends with kids are bad parents, at all, but something that I saw while lurking facebook really disturbed me.  A girl I went to high school with who just had her 3rd child (what's the rush, people!  what happened to enjoying your twenties??)  posted one of those corny image macro things, which said:

"without my children,
my house would be clean,
my wallet would be full,
but my heart would be empty."

Of course all the other mommies liked it, including ANOTHER girl I went to high school with who has 3 children and is engaged to be married a second time (we're all only 27.)  I really don't care if you want to have a ton of kids, but it makes me really sad to read something like that.  It implies that those of us who have chosen not to start having kids right out of high school, or, you know, have chosen to use birth control, are EMPTY in our HEARTS because we don't have children.  The way I've always seen it is that having children doesn't make you more complete, it breaks pieces of you off and then sends them out into a cruel world to ignore all your good advice, make you constantly worried, and constantly ask you for money.  Of course that's the ultimate worst part of having kids, and I know that there are joys every day of watching someone learn the world again for the first time blah blah etc.  It just bothers me when people make their WHOLE lives about their kids and leave no part for themselves.
My parents definitely had their own lives outside of me, which I don't remember ever feeling resentful about as a child, because they still had plenty of time for me.  Of course, I'm an only child, but if I had a sibling I don't think it would've been any different.  I think they were complete in themselves before they had me and I think they are complete in themselves and as a unit together now that I'm grown and sort of flown the nest.
And I feel like I'm complete in myself now, as a single, never-been-married, childless, approaching 30 (god) woman.  I don't feel the need to have kids to complete myself, and while I'd like a partner in crime to spend my days and nights with, I'm not OBSESSED with the idea of finding him.  It's fun to be able to go where I want, travel the country, sleep all day, eat when I'm hungry, flirt with boys, drink all night if I want, do the occasional drug that comes my way, etc.  I SHOULD be doing this, because I'm still young.
Not that there are parents that I know who are all about their kids.  Most of my closer friends who have kids still go out from time to time, and their job isn't "being a parent."  They're all happy family units without spending every day posting obsessive pics of their children.  I think the most telling sign of losing yourself to your children is having a picture of your child as YOUR profile picture on facebook. How sad is that?  I, for one, think it's really sad.

In conclusion, my heart is empty for a lot of reasons, but being childless is NOT one of them.

There was my rant on people with kids, I hope you liked it.

no one can see me

I went to new york City last week, and I'm going again next week!  I loved it more than ever this trip.  Sometimes when I go, I don't like it and the subway is menacing and the streets are impossible to navigate.  But this time, I had fun navigating Port Authority and Penn Station by myself and all the trains magically pulled into the station at the exact time as I was walking into the station.   I think I liked the city so much this time because I felt so anonymous, finally.  I liked walking around and knowing that no one knew who I was or where I worked and no one cared what I was doing.  I'm pretty sure it's the same here but sometimes when I start my car I just know at least 3 people will turn and look at me and it feels so heavy that they all know my name.

bangarang

I told myself I had to write, so I am writing.  Ummm, what?

I just had Bobby shave off a piece of the side of my hair.  I love it.  I can hide it if I want, or show it off, but either way I love it.  There are a bunch of other girls with undercuts at the faire so I finally went ahead and did it.

I am liking New York so far, the show is awesome.  I am making so much money!!!  I love love love working at the Cappucino Inn.  All day I just write on cups and hand drinks to people.  Sometimes they want the drinks to be complicated, but I don't have to make the drinks so I don't mind.  I get as many free drinks all day as I want, and people tip really well.

I have yet to make it into the city, but I'm planning on going next week.  I can't wait to see my paaaaalllsssss.  Usually I go to NYC at least twice a year, for new year's and my birthday.  Obviously I couldn't make it for my birthday as I was in Colorado, but this'll make up for it.

I've been feeling pretty loner-ish at this show.  I only hang out with one group of people, and then only a few nights a week.  I kind of feel like I don't fit in and that only a few of them actually like me, but that might be because I'm so quiet that I probably seem a bit snooty.  It doesn't really matter though, because my attitude towards everything lately has been 'OH WELL WHO CARES.'  I think I am just building a shell against the severely annoying random things that happen to me almost every day.  For instance, today I went to get some food and I had to go inside to use the bathroom, and walked right into a nightmare where there were kids screaming and moms screaming at the kids, every cashier was a thousand years old and moving at a snail's pace, the thousand year old cashier looked at me like I was crazy when i asked him to put mustard on my burger and just sneered, "we don't have mustard.  but I can give you a mustard packet."  and then never gave me a mustard packet.  That sort of thing.  Oh also I was severely hungover.    Anyway, when these things happen, I just scream OH WELL WHO CARES at the problem until I really don't care.

Another annoying thing is that I feel like I have no one to talk to, or no one is ever responding to me when I try to talk to them.  I just got a new phone and I'm so lonely here that I try to text my friends back home or elsewhere and just....silence.  WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS?  I can't feel oh well who cares about it because i DO care that I feel totally alone and abandoned.  I could always just go and be more social here, but sometimes it's too hard (TWSS).

Whatever.  I'll navigate around my feelings/lack of feelings and the road leads me home next, anyway.  That is sad too because my parents had to put down my dog a couple months ago, and I didn't get to really say goodbye to her.  I don't think I mentioned that on here...but yeah.  It was a tragedy.

Don't even get me started on the internet situation in this location.  It is bonkers.  Anyway.

Here I am in New York!  The reason I haven't updated in a while is because there hasn't been much to update.  I've been spending all my time just hanging out with my friend at his booth watching movies and getting drunk, etc.

But now I'm in New York!

I got a job selling coffee and tea at the Cappucino Inn.  Apparently the tips are great at this show so I could be making a lot more money than I have at the other shows.  Colorado was a total bust as far as that was concerned, and I really disliked my job (never ended up working in the capes booth, just tying corsets all day until all the skin on my fingers ripped off...) and wasn't right for it, and what with the fires raging all over the state, nobody really came out, and if they did they didn't buy anything.  It's an awesome state, though, and I did have a good time friending around with my friend.  We spent, I think, every day together for 6 weeks but 3.  Now we're in separate states and it's weird.  I miss him, but it'll be a really good thing to not have something to fall back on every day and actually go out and make new friends.  I live across the path from some gutter punk looking kids, so that's promising!  During the week, though, I'll probably be spending as much time as possible in the city with my best friends.

The drive from Colorado to New York was pretty intense.  In Pennsylvania I started hallucinating and the mountains were so foggy and spooky and the moon was full and I watched all these crazy clouds turning into freaky shapes:  a dragon with the moon for it's eye, a giant bat reaching out with its hand and eating the moon.  It was surreal and awesome.  Everyone told me that Kansas majorly sucks to drive through, but there were lightning storms there all night as we drove through so it was actually pretty cool to see.  I wouldn't want to repeat it again, though.  At least...not til next year!

monkey mountain peasant song

Colorado continues to be breathtakingly beautiful, and I still love living here, despite the fact that it's impossible to keep one's feet clean...

My 27th birthday was a few days ago, my first one where I wasn't with any of my close friends.  But my friends out here made sure that I had a great one.  There's a tradition where you get dollars pinned to your chest and when people see you they add to the pins...I made quite a few bucks!  Part of the pinned dollars, however, is that you're opening yourself up to get assassinated...with pie!  Only someone who has been pied on their birthday can be a pie assassin, and if you pie someone a. when it isn't their birthday or b. when you haven't been pied, you become a Pie Bitch and can be pied by anyone at any point during the year.
A pie-ing doesn't mean that you have to have an entire like, cherry pie smooshed in your face.  A handful of whipped cream or even a whipped cream smeared on the nose will do.  I got both!  My friend's girlfriend got me right after midnight with a handful of whipped cream, and then another friend of mine, Skinny, bought me a yummy shot with whipped cream and she dabbed it on my nose.  I also got 2 "cake shots", which are amazing shots of vodka+ frangelica chased by a sugared lime that taste exactly like chocolate cake.  Several more drinks were bought for me of course, and I ended the night very happily drunk in my own little bed.

The ACTUAL day of my birthday (this was Sunday night, when everyone goes out to the bar) I had a car mishap, where poor Silver overheated!  A check in the radiator tank showed that there was absolutely NO coolant in there at all.  Luckily the corner store in Larkspur had one last bottle of antifreeze, so I poured that in and it's been fine ever since.  Car trouble out here on the road is dangerous, because we don't make much money and it can be hard to take care of.
Instead of getting wasted again and partying, I spent the day at my friend's house watching movies and relaxing which is exactly what I like to do the most.  This is the "friend" i've been "spending time" with in Scarborough and wasn't sure if we still would here...well, we are.  Mostly I bring him into town when he needs it and he lets me hang out at his booth which has electricity, so I can watch movies.

My best friend Rick got me a room in a 4-star hotel in Denver for Wednesday night, and I brought my friend along as well.  We had a glorious time turning the AC down as far as we could stand, watching TV , swimming in the hotel pool, drinking, of course, and going out on the town with my friend from high school who lives here now.  We were also super excited about the shower...it was a really nice shower.  We took at least 2 showers each.

Alas, it's back to the life without windows or showers or refrigerators...I'm still loving it though!

5am in the korean spa/down in castle rock, dun dun, down in castle rock!

The car is packed, my meager camping deposit is in hand, and it's off to the next location in my journey, Colorado!

Bobby and I decided to come to King Spa, a giant korean style sauna/spa here in Dallas, to relax, detox, and sleep before our drive.  There are 9 sauna rooms, each with different healing properties and themes (salt room, pyramid room, far infrared ray, etc. )  There's also a spa area with hot tubs (and a cold tub!) that's separated by sex (because you have to be naked...eek!)  We sweat it out in all the rooms and I did a couple dips into the hot tub/cold tub etc.

2 days later:
So I was interrupted by Bobby coming out of the locker and getting ready to leave, and now I'm in Colorado!  I'm back in my natural habitat!  This could mean two things:  surrounded by mountains, (beautiful, gorgeous mountains) and also in a small local coffeeshop with free wifi.

I'm loving Colorado so far!  The faire hasn't started yet, but I hear it's not the greatest as far as faires go, other than for making money. (woo!)  But the area and the mountains and everything about the actual state, I love!  It's the exact opposite of Texas...Texas can suck a dick, but the faire was amazing.  Well, I don't know how this faire will go yet.  I'm optimistic?

I'm camped with Bobby and Ron.  Our little campsite is called Camp LaCroix, because Bobby calls me Amber LaCroix, and the shape of the camp is actually a little cross (LaCroix meaning The Cross, of course...)  my tent is the Capitol, and I'm the Queen, meaning I'm the one who tells them to shut up and stop bickering, which they don't obey but it's alright.  Bobby is the King of Queens, and Ron lives in LaCroix East, otherwise known as The Bottoms or the slums, where anything goes.  We met a super cool dude who lives kind of above us named Will, and he's the Mayor of LaCroix because he lives in a different district and has an unbiased opinion.

Last night, our first night in our camp (but not in Colorado - Bobby and I got here too late to check in to the site, so he bought us a hotel room for the night...an AMAZING room for super cheap!) we were playing dice in the Plaza and getting drunk off of only a couple beers.  The altitude makes getting drunk so cheap!  I can get tipsy off of only one beer!  We decided to walk to the bar to get food, because it's only down the hill and not a bad walk at all.  The bar was uneventful, but as we were walking back, we passed by this little restaurant called Vigil's (vee-HEEL'S) and a subaru outback came blazing down the street after us and pulled into the parking lot.  The owner of the car opened his door and yelled 'I HAVE FREE TEQUILA SHOTS!'  Without discussing it with each other, we all turned immediately into the parking lot and followed the dude inside.  Turns out his name is Chris, he owns the restaurant, and was basically just doing PR to get us to tell others about the restaurant and to become patrons ourselves.  He asked us about what rennies like to drink, prices they'll pay, etc.  He also gave us 2 little samples of green, and a second shot!  We all went back out into the night, flabbergasted and amazed that that had just happened.

About halfway up the hill, here comes his car again, and he stops by us, and HANDS OUT THE ALMOST FULL BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.  We all crowded around his window hugging him and crying thank you thank you!  And off he sped into the distance.  So we went back to Camp LaCroix and got even more drunk.

We all woke up early this morning to huddle in the tiny bit of shade in front of my tent and sample some of Chris' contribution, before piling into my car and going down the street to the Corner Market for water and cigarettes and gas, before crossing the street to Vigil's for delicious breakfast burritos.  I brought everyone back home, and immediately left to come to Castle Rock, a picturesque town just 15 minutes away with a huge rock formation that kiiiiind of looks like a castle (I don't think whoever named it had ever seen a real castle).  I'

Heigh-Ho, Silver!

What happens to Amber after 2 weeks of no phone, no Internet, and no car?  Well...I'm not sure.  Nothing, I guess.  I actually Did Stuff and hung out with my friends.  Lots of alcohol and recreational drugs were involved.  I danced, I bickered, I swam, I babysat, I got bitten by a million mosquitos and spiders.  But now my car is fixed and I have access to internet again, and access to real alone time, which is important to me and which I haven't really had.  I love my friends but I cannot hang out with people for more than a few days in a row at a time, because all the bickering and moving from one place to another and Activities is just too much for me sometimes, and I get really irritable.  But everything is fine now!

We're coming up on the last weekend of Scarborough, and I'm really excited to move on to the next faire, in Colorado.  Not because I don't LOOOOOOOVE it here, because I really do, but because it's FUCKING HOT and I'm tired of being a total sweaty gross mess every day, of not being able to stay in my tent for fear of heatstroke, of not being able to sit still at night because I'm being devoured by mosquitos.  I'm tired of waking up with horrible, oozing spider bites that turn purple, and not being able to lay around all day with a boy (!!) because we can't touch each other without both turning into hot sweaty messes.  That may or may not happen anyway, but.... I'll never tell.  :)   Well I'll tell a little...I have been hanging out with a boy, but he is not going to be my boyfriend, we're just enjoying each other's company.  We may or may not continue our tryst in Colorado, but either way I'm having a good time and enjoying the benefits of a friend with benefits.  Anyway...

I'm driving to Colorado with my friend Bobby Booom, who has quickly become my best friend out here. Trust me to find the gayest black man on any festival circuit ever to become my sistie bestie.  His normal traveling companion is going to a different faire in massachusetts, so we'll be supporting each other and all that out in Colorado.  A lot of other friends are also going, and some aren't.  It's always sad to part at the end of the show and possibly not see some people you've been close with for a whole year!  Luckily for me all my favorites are pretty much going to be on the same circuit as me for the rest of the year, so I don't have to shed any tears.  Except for my friend Erica who I caravanned to Texas with...I don't know if I'll see her again til Arizona!  And Katie Kaboom, the manager of Ophelia's.  Since I'm also a manager, there's not many faires that we'd go to that would overlap.  It's the nature of the road, though, and makes it all the better when you're reunited!

I should probably write a post reflecting on this show, but after this weekend (a 3 day) there isn't a huge crunch for time because Colorado doesn't start until the weekend after next.  Sometime during the flurry of activity of packing up and getting ready next week I'll do that.  Maybe.

ooh, a piece of candy!

Remember a few entries ago where I said that I kept smelling skunks, but it turned out to be the pot instead?  Well, early this morning I woke up because I was smelling a horrible smell.  At first I thought the wind was at an unfortunate angle from the portajohns (which are SO gross here...seriously, why is this the most expensive show to camp at?  There's NEVER any toilet paper and they only get cleaned on Friday and Monday.)  However, after a few minutes I realized it was real SKUNK smell.  A skunk must have been skunkin' along when it came across someone's dog or cat and SKUNKED it.  The smell was gone when I woke up, so it wasn't a dead skunk at least.  That shit lingers for days and days, and we're all already dealing with the rancid, twice-a-week cleaned portajohn smell.  Seriously, it's horrifying in there.  I had to buy my own toilet paper because it always runs out like, the day after they clean and refill it.  There are only like 3 johns for the entire lower road to use and it gets pretty nasty.

Here's a funny rennie bathroom story:  I'm used to either using the portas or the "flushies", which as the name implies are real toilets.  I only use them when I'm somewhere on site or at the Junque because they're right there, but they have automatic flush so basically I haven't touched a toilet flush knob in a while.  So the other day I was in Starbucks and had to tinkle, and as I was leaving I touched the door handle and thought "Something is wrong..."  and I realized that I'd almost walked out without flushing, because I haven't had to do it in so long!  What a heathen I'm turning into.

Speaking of heathens, I was taking a shower this morning when a small baby child climbed under all the stalls and INTO MY STALL, and stood there staring at me as I backed into the corner, holding my razor and stammering, 'uh....go on...go find mommy....!"  a hand reached under the stall and grabbed the child as a disembodied voice apologized, but the damaged had been done and I was blushing so hard.  Not that it matters but this is the SECOND time a baby has just WALKED into my stall while I was showering (shaving my legs, as a matter of fact...bless you, free showers!)  and all the mom has done is been like, 'nooo, don't do that....' and then the kid did it anyway.  the first mom at least sounded a bit embarrassed, but today she was just laughing 'my daughter is a peeping tom!'  I'm not saying they need to slap their kids around or anything, but some parents just seem reluctant to discipline their kids.  It may have to do with the fact that there are people EVERYWHERE and EVERYONE can see what you're doing.

I was part of a conversation last week where a girl who's been on the road for 10 years made an offhand comment that confirmed my worst nightmare: that people are WATCHING YOU.  No matter what you do, people notice, and I've been trying so hard to tell myself that no one cares what I do or what I'm up to.  I'm sure that no one cares, but they still see.  I like to just appear places on my own terms and have people see me when I want them to, but that's all lost here.  I've been woken up to go take someone on errands, people force me to be social when I was planning on spending the day in bed reading...more often than not, it ends up being a good time, although I had to flee last night because some band was playing about Unconditional Love and Good Trades and I Need A Miracle and Do You Want To Be Free, and there is a LIMIT to the amount of hippie nonsense I can tolerate and I just could.  not.  So I went home and enjoyed my lingering stoned-ness and ate some chips and played angry birds.  And then I woke up to skunk smells and then I took a shower with a tiny peeping tom!

Really though, I'm having an amazing time and am so glad to be here, and really sad that the faire is ending in 5 weeks.  It feels like I've been here forever, whereas in Arizona the time flew by.  I'm going to continue making the most of my time here, though.

Goodbye for now!

I made friends with a tiny dinosaur

Finally, a weekend that was sunny both days!  Sunday was still slooooow, and my blood sugar was at an all time low, all day, no matter how much I ate or drank or took energy shots.  I just could not be energetic or enthusiastic about anything.  It all started because I spilled toothpaste on my only bodice.  We managed to kind of get it out but I still need to take it to the dry cleaner's.  I've had it for a year and it's never been washed so it needs to go anyway.  I'm getting a new bodice next week, she's making it especially for me out of this fabric that I love and goes perfectly with the rest of my outfit, so that's exciting.  CLOTHES!  more appropriately, garb, but I HATE calling my faire clothes Garb, it's so...I don't know.  It just makes my skin crawl.  so, CLOTHES!

There's nothing much new to report.  I really love the people I've been hanging out with, they're all good kids and they UNDERSTAND MY SENSE OF HUMOR which is something I never really found in Arizona.  They were in Arizona, too, but we didn't really hang out there.

This is my favorite faire I've done so far.  It's not strict like the other two I've done which are both owned by the same guy.  I'm working with 2 girls who I love and who are silly like me and who both like drinking as much as I do.  I'm never lonely, but when I want to be alone my friends know to let me have my alone time.  Oh, and I got a raise!

Did you know that there are 6 separate magazines all dedicated to the Civil War?  At this bookshop/cafe I'm in, there's a section of magazines dedicated to war stuff and I've counted at least 6 so far, JUST about the civil war.  IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?  There's also one about the Wild West, Cowboys& Indians, Western Art Collector, Art of the West, Southwestern Art, etc.  There's a magazine called Warbird, and another magazine called WarbirdS.  :|  the insanity!  There's also one called Gothic Beauty, but I can't see the cover so I don't know what it's really about.  It's in with the tattoo magazines and High Times and other marijuana-centric magazines, so it might just be pictures of "goth" girls with tattoos.  I could just get up and look, but there's a fence in between me and the magazines and I'm lazy.

Didn't you love this interesting entry about hating words and my friends and all the magazines I can look at?  I guess it's a good thing that shit isn't going down and I'm just living my life like normal.

Oh, I have a new roommate.  She is a GIGANTIC spider, like, larger than a quarter.  She has spun a web in between the top of my tent and the rain fly, and since she's moved in, I haven't seen a single flying bug inside my tent, so I'm letting her stay.  As long as she isn't actually INSIDE the tent it's fine.  I named her Spinderella.

this is where the deceit begins

One weekend down!  I really enjoy this faire...the site is really cool and the food is amazing and there's The Junque...an on-site restaurant near the end of the campgrounds (probably a 5 minute walk from my house) and the showers where you can grab VERY reasonably priced food (not that I've eaten there yet, just gone after work for a couple beers.)  I think it's really cool to have a place like that right on-site...it's not for patrons, just us.  Everybody's known about this place for a million years I'm sure but HEY I'M NEW!  At least I have a few friends who are newbies too.  Everyone just seems more laid back and happy to be here than in Arizona.

I DEFINITELY enjoy my job about a million times more than selling the wings in Arizona.  God, I hated it by the end.  But I already knew I liked working at Ophelia's, since I manage it in NC, but I didn't know what it would be like working with Katie and Colleen.  It's great!  Katie always makes sure to run out and grab drinks for us and make sure we're okay and have eaten and all that.  And I can just walk out to go to the bathroom instead of storing it up all day for my 2 thirty minute breaks.  We were all sitting and having a beer and a cigarette at the end of the day (you're allowed to openly drink on the premises here!  amazing!)  and Katie gave me a long pep talk about how they both love me and she can tell already that we're going to be the A team and we're going to rock it out because I'm so perfect for the job, etc, really nice stuff.  It was really great to hear!

Afterwards I went to the Junque and met up with my friends, continued a conversation I'd had with a boy I'd met the night before about my fake son, Davy Jones (that's a whole other entry) and just hung out and relaxed.  I gave my garlic knots to a boy I'd just met, and we became instant friends and he also gave me a really awesome pep-talk and massaged a huuuuuge knot out of my shoulder while encouraging me to let out all my bottled up anxieties, which really helped.  He said he'd never felt a muscle relax so much just from someone talking.  I met up again with the other boy and we went back to his van (!!) and sat up talking all night, and I passed out there.  Hmm, I think I might like him?  We'll see.  He made me laugh really hard several times, and that's pretty good for someone I just met.  If you're not funny or don't have a good sense of humor, we're not going to be friends.  Or we can be friends, I just won't like you that much.  :)

There's a party tonight, which I am definitely going to, although I kind of just wish I could hang out in my tent and watch movies all night.  If I had an actual long-lasting laptop battery, that would be feasible, but as it is, that's not going to happen, so party I will.  As for right now, I'm just contemplating what to eat for dinner and googling albino models and counter-culture webpages about hippie shit.  I read a thing and saw some pictures about Rainbow Gatherings and was like, ha!  That's my whole life!  Kind of.  When we were sitting outside the shop with our beers, the hypnotist walked by and said 'Look honey, hippies!' and I was like, 'nuh uh!  these legs are smooooooooth' and kicked my leg out.  I love you, free showers!  It was getting a little Ani Difranco in Arizona, to be frank, because I didn't feel like spending 3 bucks on a 10 minute shower, so I'd just hop in and out in 5 minutes and be done with it.    I do have one dreadlock though, that used to be a padawan braid that Larkyn made for me, but now it's a dreadlock and it's even growing out locked.  Maybe I'll get a bead for it.

I was supposed to run errands today but I'm so fried.  Tomorrow I'll probably be fried, too!  There's no rush, and I won't starve.  I like coming into town here, too, because the starbucks is nice and it's not as far as it was in Arizona.  Lalala.  Til next time!

Not A Happy Camper

Well, here I am in Texas.  Yesterday/today we drove about 14 hours straight, and finally had to pull over to nap at a rest stop in Nowheresville, Texas.  Then we drove the remaining 3 hours here to the faire.

It's sticky here.  Even now that it's cooled down a little I can feel so much humidity.  My hair and skin won't be so dry, at least, but it's a trade-off for hair that gets dirty faster.  At least the showers are free here!

Since there are woods here, and an awesome creek and waterfall, it feels more like a real campground.  The falls are so beautiful, I can't wait to wade through on a hot day.  Wading through running water is one of my favorite things in to do in the whole world.

I can tell there are things about it here that I'm going to like, but after the harrowing trip, as well as irritation from PMS and the fact that the ground is so muddy and things seem a little disorganized and I spilled my water jug INSIDE the tent, and texas is even more uncomfortably jesusy than NC, I am feeling rather homesick.  It's my mom's birthday and I called them and after I talked to my dad I had to sit in my car and have a little cry.  It's no wonder, with the stress of tearing down the booth and then my own car and then a 17 hour drive by myself.   But then I ate something, and now I'm going to sleep so tomorrow will be better.

I'm going to be more social this show, just by necessity.  I did manage to find a spot that's pretty isolated, but it's still closer to people than my spot in AZ.  I'm closer to some friends, too.  There's only one spot directly next to mine, and the others are separated by a little path that will become a stream when it rains, or a growth of trees, or the road.  My friend Mindy, one of the girls I caravanned with, was going to use the neighboring spot, but her tent didn't fit so she had to move.  Hopefully no one will move there now, or if they do they're someone cool and not annoying.

A lot of people say this is their favorite show, and a fun party show, so I have high hopes (not too high of course, no need to have any hopes dashed...) but right now I'm feeling kind of disillusioned.  Time for sleep, and a better day tomorrow.

the last night

Sometimes I can be really sentimental and give great meaning to things arbitrarily, and must make everything symbolic and meaningful.  For instance, during the music jams this week (there was one Tuesday and Wednesday, which made me happy.)  and when I left I thought to myself, 'This is The Last Music Jam...' and looked back wistfully.  That sort of thing.  Normally, for the last weekend of faire I'd be very reverential, but it ISN'T the last weekend of faire...that last weekend of faire for me isn't until November!

Anyway, tonight is The Last Night in Arizona, so I ate at In-N-Out one last time for a year, and now I'm at Starbucks because I had to buy my friend an Arizona mug, and also to look at the computer some and download some podcasts to listen to on my long drive tomorrow.  Normally I'd be more reverential but I am EXHAUSTED and feeling a bit shaky and strange after today.

I offered to help tear down the pirate booth with Patrick and Asher, for the extra cash.  Well let me tell you, it was quite a harrowing experience.  I must be just in some weird hormonal in-between time, because I was angry and irritated all day, and I'd have mood swings where I'd go from being fine to being pissed off and wanting to burn the place down.  It's horrible, tedious, mind-numbing, dumb work, and I hated every minute of it, but I got through it.  There's really no end in sight for annoying days, maybe in 2 weeks?  I just want to sleep, which I will very very soon.  I certainly won't be getting any til Wednesday night.  

This will be my first time driving for LOOOONG stretches at a time...when I came from NC I had my aunt's boyfriend with me, so we switched back and forth.  Even then it was my first time ever driving longer than about 3 hours at a time...about 7 hour shifts.  God, thinking back on the crisis moments I had, and the weird hallucinating...argh.  This will not be fun.  But I can do it!  I can do it.  Yes, I can!  I'm just gonna keep repeating it to myself til I'm not freaking out.  At least in the car I can freak out and talk to myself and scream and stuff as much as I want, if I need to.

Alright, let's do this!  (that is...go to bed and sleep until the sun wakes me up, get my money from yesterday, pack up the car, and head out.  ARGH.  My fingers are so jumpy.  Please please please let me get some sleep tonight.)

wash it all down the drain

I haven't had a chance to write in a while, partly because there wasn't much to write about, and partly because my computer charger decided to crap out on me.  Luckily my parents were able to find the cable I needed for cheaper than retail price (really, Apple?  charging $80 for a charger that only lasts 3 years AT THE MOST?  this is the FOURTH ONE i've had!)

Anyway, I'm back!  Not including today, I only have 4 full days left in Arizona, which makes me sad.  I really love it out here.  I love having mountains as a backdrop for everything, everywhere I go.  But it's time to move on!  I'll be back next year (even have a tentative job plan which will pay better and I'll even be able to live in a booth...with ELECTRICITY!!!!)

I've been much more social and happy these past few weeks.  Mostly because I'm just putting myself out there more, and also because I met a few people who make it easier for me, and gone out a few more times.  Last wednesday was the Funky Formal, where I dressed like a vampire/witch (my usual party attire) and wore lipstick and almost had a panic attack and left, but I started talking to Santiago Tynker and we ended up talking for 2 hours and then dancing a little even though the music was not to my liking, dance-wise.

I went to the last Sunday night karaoke and sang a song and had a silly time with my new friends, and drove home a few people who showered money on me even though I would have driven them for free!  I won't turn down free money, though.

What else, what else.  Oh, Sunday night some random dude who was being way too aggressively loud and pervy said something that made me angry.  He saw me sitting by myself, smoking a cigarette outside, probably with a dour expression on my face, which is just the face I make when I'm not making a face.  He came over and said "you're so emotional!  let me give you a tip:  and remember, when someone who loves you gives you a tip, you should take it.  (I've never seen this dude before in my life, let alone think of him as someone who loves me...) 'When you wash a dish, don't think of the dish as dirty, the dish is clean...it just has dirt on it.  So next time you're washing the dishes, remember that, and just let the dirt wash away, and let all your emotions just drain away, and be gone and washed clean."
Now, this is alright advice, I suppose, but I am NOT emotional!  At least, I wasn't at the time.  I looked him dead in the eyes and said 'I have no emotions.  My heart is an empty perfume bottle.' in my most monotone voice, and he laughed nervously and walked away.  Honestly, though!  It's rather rude to just go up to someone you don't know and tell them to stop being so emotional.  I was having a good time, even!  Oh well, no harm done.

I'm being semi-lazy about getting ready for Scarborough, but it gets so hot and I just don't want to do anything.  I cleaned out my car and threw out all my trash and a few other things, but I have a feeling most of my work will have to be done on Monday/Tuesday morning, and I'll be leaving Tuesday afternoon, caravanning with my new friends.

I'm excited for the next step, because I hear this is a fun faire.  I'm also excited because most of the friends I've made here are moving on to Scarborough, with only 2 not going.  Also the Tynkers won't be there which sucks, but I guess I'll just have to find a new favorite show.  We actually won't be at any of the same shows til, well, Arizona, next year.  Horrible!

The next time I write, I'll probably be in Texas, y'all!

double rainbow all the way

What an interesting week!

Monday-Tuesday - Extremely short lived romance with a cabriolet pusher.

Wednesday - Sat around the fire at the music jam listening to silly songs about evil geniuses, gorgeous covers of Hallelujah, bluegrassy train-hopper songs, and lovely sad folk songs.  Joining in on a cover of King of Carrot Flowers pt. 1 by Neutral Milk Hotel and sharing a knowing smile with the only other 2 people singing.

Thursday - Dinner, drinks, and Apples to Apples with Asher, Katie (the girl who I'll be working with in Texas), her boyfriend, his daughter, and various others.  Lots of laughs and a delicious homecooked meal.

Friday - Unbelievably hot.  Sat in my backyard underneath Lemon (the tree that shades most of my campsite) listening to my iPod, drawing, writing, and drinking beers at 3 in the afternoon.

Saturday - St Patrick's Day!  SO WINDY!  A million patrons, all dressed in green.  Yellow submarine stuck in my head all day  ("til we found the sea of green...")  After work, another homecooked meal at Katie's, as well as many, many Irish Car Bombs.

Sunday - RAINY AND COLD.  Also windy!  Also a little bit of hail!  Extremely small crowd, but everyone was really friendly and talkative.  There was even a double rainbow!  Afterwards, I almost went to stay at a motel because it was still rainy and cold, but instead went to walmart and bought an extremely soft, warm, and cuddly blanket with MARIO AND LUIGI on it, that kept me warm all night.

So now, here I am, in Starbucks, eating a healthy protein bistro box (hardboiled egg, cheese, apples, grapes, muesli and peanut butter.)  and drinking a nice warm latte, because it's still cold out.  Only 2 weekends left!  EEEK!!!

A Day Without Internet

note: This was written on Monday. 

I've been spoiling myself with trips to Gecko, or even Starbucks.  Basically there isn't anything to do on-site, so I run away to air conditioned luxury, where the internet and electricity is free (with or without the purchase of a beverage, although i always do purchase.)

However, I'm trying to save money this week, or at least not spend it (you can't really save what you don't have!)  So I made a quick trip to the gas station and liquor store this morning, and that'll be all the time I'll spend off site til...probably Wednesday.  We'll see.  I at least have plenty of food.

It's really warm today, and who should slither across the road - not 15 feet from my tent - but Mr Rattlesnake himself!  I was lying in bed reading when I heard a neighbor call Rook, so of course I jumped up and peeked through the window like the nosy neighbor I am, and there it was, bold as brass, walking across the street.  Well, slithering.  Several people were around so they all sat and watched to make sure it didn't wander too far before it could be caught and relocated.  A dude came with a big trash bucket and some snake tongs and fished it out of the bush where it was hiding.  It only rattled when he was grabbing it, so it was pretty mellow.  Now he's in his bucket in the backseat of a Honda Element, taking a free ride to some other part of the desert far away from rennies.

I like snakes.  I'm glad the policy is to relocate rather than kill them.  It was a big boy, too, like, 3 feet.  I apologize if the snake was female but I highly doubt he/she will ever read this blog so whatever.  Now I'm imagining a snake at a computer, outraged.  The Bronx Zoo Cobra, shaking her head in dismay.  Sorry.  SORRY, EVERYONE.

dancing teenage mutant ninja turtle

(note: some of this was written last night before, and during the full moon drum jam.  i decided to continue with the style for the other bits, just for continuity's sake.)

The sun is setting as you scarf mac and cheese straight from the pot.  You have to wear a headlamp to see the salty, bright orange, gloppy shells of supreme deliciousness.  While you were cooking, 3 cows wandered past your tent, placidly munching on grass in the chilly desert dusk.

Across the camp, a loud burp rings out, a vulgar Taps.  Solar lights flicker on.  The hippies begin to migrate towards the break in the fence, ready for the all-night party that is the full moon drum jam.

Hippies materializing out of the darkness with drums and drugs.  Voices in the desert, a cry of 'Marco!', answered with 'Polo!' until we find each other, somehow, across the endless expanse of desert, shrubs, chollo, giant saguaros older than everyone you know.  Cows lowing mournfully, echoing ghostly moans.  Abandoned coyote dens waiting for an ankle to snap.  There are more hippies, hopping and crawling under another fence, handing drums and instruments over.  In the ravine, a fire begins to grow. Bowls are passed.  The boy who likes you keeps grabbing your hand.  The music becomes more frenzied, more people show up.  Hulas are hooped, things are set on fire and swung around rhythmically.  A native american flute pipes up, and then an accordion.  The blackberry wine you lugged across the desert is finished.  Someone walks around with a glowing orb that your smoky mind mistakes for the moon detaching from it's place in the sky and coming to join the festivities.

A beautiful girl stands above the ravine, silently blowing bubbles that turn to electric blue and orange orbs in the dual light from the moon and fire.  At some point, it all becomes too much and you walk away to hide in the desert, where you find the exact same stand of trees you came to to get away from all the noise 10 years ago.  You would never forget that spot.  You stand in the quiet, breathing in the moon and the desert and drawn back again to the flutes and drums.  Re-energized, you join the fray again.  More people are dancing.  Someone, you may never know who, emerges from the darkness dressed in a head-to-toe Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costume (Raphael, even!)  and starts doing a weird lizard/turtle stomp dance.  Just as quickly, he is gone.

The fire dies down.  People start to leave.  You get lost again on the way back, you are starting to think you may never reach home again.  But then, in the distance...the sound of dogs barking.  The same solar lights that flickered to life only a few short hours ago.  You smoke one more cigarette, and you bury yourself under the covers, exhausted and happy and feeling...just a LITTLE...like a real hippie rennie.

in which i make a child cry

Fourth weekend down!  this weekend was alright, they do kind of blend together a bit after the first few, but this one sticks out just because of The Incident.

I was standing at the booth during the Afternoon Post-Joust rush, when a kid and his mother came into the booth.  Well, the kid came in, but the mother was on the phone just outside.  The kid was asking about the wings and how much they cost, calling to his mom who ignored him.  They were already annoying me because the kid kept making me take down wings, and then moving on to another wing before I could try any on him.  Finally, he decided he was going to take down a big set on his own, and spilled coke on the set below it.  (P.S. the set he was looking at was $45, the set he spilled on was $40.)  He said "Oh!  Crap..." and then moved on.    I took the spilled on set off and started dabbing it, and finally when the mom was off the phone I told the son that I saw him spill the coke and he'd have to pay for the wings he ruined.  The mom didn't really say anything, but just stared dumbly at me, while the kid immediately starts denying he did anything, then saying it was an accident, and then blaming the faire itself (or me?  i don't know) for not putting lids on the cups.  I told him it wasn't anything to do with me that the cups didn't come with lids, and he denied again, saying maybe some little kid had done it (yeah, a little kid HAD done it...HIM!)  and then some babbling about how he had to eat a nice dinner that night.  The mom mumbled that she didn't have $40 to pay for it, at which point Asher comes in to help by asking why he was trying on a pair of $45 wings if they didn't have $40 to pay for the ones they had ruined.  I told them that I understood it was an accident, but it puts us in a bad position because they had ruined product that we now couldn't sell, and we had to make up for it somehow.  Oh, by the way, the kid is crying at this point.   I'm getting irritated because the kid keeps alternately denying that he did it and saying it was an accident, and then comes up and starts rubbing the stain even more, saying IT'LL COME OUT, NO ONE CAN EVEN SEE IT (lies.  it was a huge stain)  finally, the mom says, in the bitchiest tone of voice ever, "Well, what are you gonna do to us if we don't pay you?"
I made an 'are you SERIOUS?' face at her, and said, 'well we're not gonna DO anything, but you're basically screwing us over by not taking responsibility.' and she just WALKED AWAY, ladies and gentlemen, walked away.

Anyway, as it turns out, we were able to get the stain out, THANKFULLY, so we weren't actually screwed.  the thing that irritated me was that the kid lied right to my face about doing it, when I SAW him, and Asher was there as witness, as well as many other people who were using the tent for shade.  Instead of taking responsibility for what he did, he came up with a million excuses, blamed ME for the faire cups not having lids, and then the mom just stood there like a lump as her son lied and dodged and excused, etc.  And didn't have the common decency to take responsibility for her son's mistake, and then her disrespect of us and what we do by just walking away without offering to pay for it or anything.  I felt like yelling after them 'YOU PEOPLE ARE BAD AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD."  I was just lucky that the wings weren't ruined.  Patrick said it wasn't a big deal, and at first told me not to impose that they pay for it, but when I told him the whole story, that the kid lied about it and then what the mom said, he got pissed and just said they were lucky that he wasn't in the booth.   The real answer of "what are you gonna do to us..?" is that we could get security to come have them pay or kick them out, or at least threaten to do so.

SO ANNOYING.  but whatever.  P.S. lest you think I'm some heartless bitch imposing impossible values on a little kid, the kid was 12 or 13, old enough to start taking responsibility for the shit he does, even if it is an accident.  Oh well, they're not my problem anymore.  Enjoy the rest of your mediocre life, Excuses McDStudent!

achievement: unlocked

I consider myself an intelligent person.  Not to brag, it's just one of those things one knows about themselves.  I expect idiots think they're awfully smart, too, but in a different way.  "Oh, the cleverness of me!"  an idiot would probably not know that quote.

That being said, sometimes I can be really thick.  As my mom has oftentimes told me, I lack common sense.  I only say this now because this has been one of the many nights I've been sitting in my tent, derping around, and had this exchange with myself:

*sniff, sniff*
"Ew!  Something smells like skunk!"
"Maybe a skunk got hit on the highway."
"Maybe a skunk died in the desert."
Followed by the sound of my neighbors giggling and coughing, and me hitting myself in the head.  DUH, AMBER.  Remember where you live???

Maybe at some other faires - Colorado, or New York, there will actually be a skunk.  But here in the desert...it's Jazz Cigarettes!!!

In other news, I finally used the shower house on site today.  The past few weeks I've stayed at a cheap motel (very cheap.  very seedy.) and taken my showers there.  I'm trying to be more fiscally responsible this week, so I had to suck it up and venture to the shower house.  The first week I went to have a look and was shocked to see many women fragrantly walking around naked like it ain't no thang.  In previous years this would have been me but I'm really insecure about my body right now, so the thought terrified me.  I overheard a snippet of conversation saying that friday nights and monday mornings were the busiest times, so I figured 3pm on a wednesday would be a non-busy time, and I was right.  It's also a good time because the showers are cleaned on wednesday mornings, so it wasn't as nasty as it probably can get.  You put your quarters in the slots, a quarter per minute, and hop in.  I had 10 minutes, which to my surprise was exactly enough time.  I'm used to taking leisurely 45 minute long showers so I was sure I'd be left shivering, one leg shaved, when the water went off, but it wasn't so.  I threw on my dress, wrapped my hair in a towel, and scooted out just as another girl was walking in.  What luck!  I don't fancy being around or seeing ladies naked; call me a prude, but whatever.  I don't even like to be naked around dudes I like, or see dudes I like naked, or be naked by myself.  This is one of many strange things about me.  I expect I'll have to get over this attitude eventually, but today is not that day.

The rest of my notes from last Sunday:
-All the little boys are named Aiden, and all the little girls are named Bella.
From watching toddlers & tiaras i know a lot of little girls are also named Mikaela, but here in AZ it seems to be Bella.  Which, if it's because of Twilight:  ew.  So much ew.  ALL the ews!  My cousin is named Isabela, and is a credit to my family because when the books came out she didn't insist that people start calling her Bella, she remained Isa, as always.  Smart kid.
Anyway, I don't now where all the Aidens are from.  I think of sex& the city, or Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, because Aiden Quinn.  I don't think he was even in that, was he?  Oh, this is weird, Dr. Quinn's first name in the show was Michaela!  WEIRD.

- "the turkey legs taste like ham, they're soooooo good!"
Why is THAT an endorsement?  I think they actually might be made out of ham, or some weird mix of animals.  They're certainly not made from organic, free range turkeys.  I don't know a single rennie that would eat a turkey leg.

a walking bad decision

Third weekend, done and done!  Last week seemed to be just a series of annoyances one after the other, so this week I'm determined to have a better one.  I have to say it isn't starting out promisingly, but last week started out awesome and ended up as it was, so hopefully there'll be another flip-flop.

Friday, as I wrote, was pretty terrible, but I woke up on Saturday determined to have a good one, and I did.  I didn't have any cash to get a coffee or any Redline (aka my crack juice: it's an energy shot like 5 hour energy but vastly superior.)  so I had to pop an excedrin just for the caffeine.  As soon as I did I felt loads better, and people were buying wings, and buying BIG, expensive ones, so I was happy.  Yesterday, however, was the crappiest of crappy faire days.  The patrons were like zombies shambling around, giving nothing back but blank stares when I asked them how they were doing or said hello.  I wondered if it was just the wing booth, but later I went to watch a little bit of the Clan Tynker show (more about them in a minute) and they were performing amazing feats and stunts, and the people watching barely clapped or hooted.  It was pretty hot, the hottest day yet, but come on, it's ARIZONA!  What's the point of even coming to a Renaissance Faire if you're just gonna be boring and not enthusiastic about anything?

Speaking of enthusiastic, my new favorite show at the faire (besides London Broil, forever the best show at any faire ever [and i don't say that just because I used to date one of them...it's true!]) is Clan Tynker.  I'm mostly just intrigued by them as people, because I want to know every detail of their upbringing and being 5 siblings who travel around doing amazing circus tricks from around the world is just awesome.  I have a little girl-crush on Serendipity, who doesn't speak but does a lot of twirling and bubble-blowing and has a super long black braid and her face painted pale white and pink.   Anyway, they do all sorts of Stupid Human Tricks and it's awesome.  I love Stupid Human Tricks!  maybe one day I'll learn one (note: this will probably never happen.)

The Clan Tynker page...check it out!

I had a bunch of notes written out about yesterday, because I was bored and had time to write notes, but I don't remember many.

-A quote I heard, by Miguel of Don Juan and Miguel:  "holding hands, eh?  watch out, that leads straight to stretch marks and labor pains!"

-A dude walking around shirtless with long, messy dreads (not the good kind), and a torso full of Mistake Tattoos...two huge pot leaves surrounded by smaller pot leaves on his chest, one of those Juggalo running man things on his arm, a poorly done black and white skull on his ribs, and various others.  He of course was hand in hand with a girl who seemed perfectly normal.  How is it that these walking Bad Decisions always seem to find some poor person to be their mate?

-Some teenagers you can just tell are going to grow up to have really weird sex lives.

I think I'm going out sometime this week to watch Louie and the other dudes do Comedy somewhere in Phoenix.  He said he'd text me and I could ride with them.  That would be so nice.  I said I would go, and I know Louie pretty well, so I must repeat to myself I will-I will-I WILL go, i will not-I will not- I WILL NOT bail out to just sit in my tent alone all night instead.  

It's really super windy outside, but there's an old and a young dude playing chess at one of the tables outside of the coffee shop, so I'm gonna watch them do that now.

the wind do blew

I'm in a highly irritable mood today.  It's most likely due to PMS, but every little thing that happens makes me kind of HARRUMPH! I was woken up at 6 am by the walls of my tent violently flapping and snapping in the heavy wind, which it's been doing since then.  I made some peanut butter and nutella toast, had an apple, and loaded myself into the car to head to gecko.  On the way out, I noticed the camp director's chalkboard sign ordering everyone to clean their campsites, which I guess are a little too cluttered for his taste.  My campsite is pretty much spotless (in fact, I was hauling the huge cardboard box that had sat in my yard for a while, and a trash bag, to put in the dumpster) but the sign still made me HARRUMPH!  the curse of being a Brat...anytime anything like an Order is given, my body fills with resistance chemicals and I want to do just the opposite...and I wasn't even being singled out!  I keep my trashcan inside, and my yard isn't cluttered at all, just my table, chairs, water jug, ashtray, and now the stove and a pot and bowl.  But I still got all mad that someone was telling me what to do.  But not even ME!  Sigh.  I can't wait for this phase to pass.  Ever since that dude yelled at me I've been on tenterhooks, worrying that I'm being spied on constantly and someone's going to catch me doing something wrong that I didn't even know I wasn't supposed to do, and yell at me again.  I'm even nervous about throwing my dishwater over the fence into the desert, even though it's just water and biodegradable camp soap.  Actually writing it out makes me feel less bad about it.  I'm not gonna dump it in my own yard, and where else can I put it?  It's certainly not as bad as all the people who take their dogs out into the desert (we're not even supposed to cross the barbed wire fence, and I never have.)  I'm sure that doesn't help keep coyotes away, piles of unfamiliar canine shit in their territory.  I guess the point is I'm not really comfortable yet, and feeling kind of disillusioned.  I don't want to stop or go home, by any means, it's just a learning experience and a process.  I know it'll get better soon.

Anyway, in better news, I got a camp stove, and kitchen things, so I can actually cook at home now!  I figured out how to work it, and managed to make mac n cheese, and a can of chili yesterday, and as I mentioned, toast this morning (I got a little toast caddy that sits over the flames.  The toast didn't get super toasty, but I blame the gales of wind for that, and my impatience.)  I went to Trader Joe's and got lots of canned stuff, like beans and chili and stuff that isn't very perishable.  I also got a thing of milk, but it got sour already, even though I kept it in the cooler as cool as possible.  Hopefully I'll be able to find smaller ones so it doesn't go to waste.  But I need milk for my cereal!

The most annoying part about living out here I would say is the lack of proper refrigeration.  It severely limits my food options, and getting ice every other day is fine and all that, but it's really annoying when it melts and everything is floating in water and then water gets everywhere when you take it out.  This is all just kind of complainy whiny stuff that is small in the long run.  There's definitely more good than bad living out here.  I'm just going through the awkward, getting-on-my-feet stage.  At least I have a place to come relax and use the internet and tune everything out and stop worrying for a second.  And I'm going to do just that!  Third weekend starts tomorrow...

uncle fuckin' rotten tooth

Ooh, y'all, I finally get to rant about something.

So, I'm returning from my coffee/internet/grocery shopping/ice trip, and had just stopped by my boss's trailer to get paid some more money for helping set up the pirate booth before the faire started.  I was driving very carefully down the extremely bumpy road, as usual, staring at my speedometer to make sure I wasn't going over 5 mph.  Driving 5 mph is fucking HARD, by the way.  I basically was just letting the car coast and steering it, which is what I always do.  I stopped at my tent, and was rooting around trying to find something when I hear a VIOLENT knocking on my window, and open the door to see an angry, creepy sunken-faced toothless old rennie dude glaring angrily at me.  

He then proceeds to yell at me about how I'm ALWAYS speeding, and THEY have to breathe the dust, and if you're kicking up dust you're going too fast, and he watches me drive in and out and I NEVER go 5, and he only just now caught me.  I was just staring at him, aghast, and finally said, "I'm really sorry, I was watching my speed the whole time, I thought I was going 5…" and he said "YOU WEREN'T.  I'm reporting you to Rook!" the camp director.  And he walked away, as I said "okay…I'm sorry…."  

Now, this angered me, because I ALWAYS try very hard to only go 5 mph, as I said.  It's hard, and I don't even put my foot on the gas.  This particular time, I was making especially sure.  Of course, 3 minutes after this dude was on his way, my neighbor comes peeling in, definitely faster than 5 and definitely kicking up dust.  Yet did HE get yelled at?  Oh, no.  (at least, I don't think so.)  Anyway, what is this guy doing that he just WATCHES me driving around and apparently speeding?  Does he have a speed gun?  Of course my car is kicking up dust…EVERY car is kicking up dust, no matter how fast or slow they go.  It's the fucking DESERT, and the road is full of deep, giant potholes.  If I was going fast, my car would be fucked up.  Also, he REALLY didn't have to YELL at me.  If he had stopped me and just said politely yet sternly that he had noticed me kind of speeding on more than one occasion, and that it makes too much dust and etc, I would have been totally understand and apologetic and made extra care to drive super slow from now on.  I'll make sure I'm driving super slow from now on, but now I hate him.  Nobody likes the grumpy old dude who sits around policing how fast the kids are driving through the neighborhood.  It also surprises me whenever anyone yells at ME, because I am so quiet and unassuming and always try to be as polite as possible and not rile anyone up.  

Anyway, I'm pissed off.  I don't even want to go do anything tonight because I'm in a bad mood now, thanks, dude!  I'll probably just take something to calm me down, have a few beers, and go to bed early.  Also, none of my friends are actually going to this thing tonight, one is going to some drum jam firedancing thing in the desert and one has been drinking all day and is probably going to pass out early too.  Bah!  I am NOT just going to go by myself and hope I see someone I know, because that only works at EB's.  There will be other parties, I'm sure.  I'm just not in the mood for any of that right now, I want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow only mildly annoyed by this instead of supremely pissed off.  

book exchange and community corner

nice title, huh?  i had trouble coming up with one, so i just looked around gecko and typed out the first sign i saw.

well, president's day weekend is finally over!  now the weeks will be normal, just 2 days of work and 5 days off.  yesterday was extremely crowded because it was 2 for 1 tickets.  we sold some stuff, but didn't kick as much ass as I wanted, mostly because we didn't have the stock we needed.  but patrick was happy, so i was happy.

with the money i made from 3 days of work as well as the 2 student days last week, i went and bought myself a "kitchen", that is, a camp stove, pot, pan, utensils, cutting board, plate, bowl, a storage shelf for food and a smaller one for cutlery,etc.  hopefully i'll figure out how to, you know, use the stove.  it involves a can of propane and holding a match up to the burner to light it, so we'll see.  hopefully i won't light myself or the desert on fire.

there's a mardi gras dance party thing going on tonight at the local bar.  they have shuttles to and from the front gate, so i'll be going for sure.  it'll be a good chance to drink and socialize.  the bazaar in the mornings is a nice social gathering, but as i usually walk up there alone, and am not usually drunk, i don't really talk to anyone.  i curse my awkwardness and shyness, so much.  i feel i'm getting a reputation of being a loner, since i hardly ever talk to anyone and am only seen alone.  i don't want to be a loner, though!  it's just hard for me to just walk up to people and start a conversation unless i've been drinking, and i can't very well go around being drunk all the time.  i do have people that i hang out with, and things will become more normal now, that is, when people invite me to hang out i actually will, because i won't have to go to bed early to wake up for the faire, during the week.  katie, the girl who runs the booth that i work at in carolina, and who i'll be working for in texas, invited me to come hang out anytime, so i'll do that.  i have to start hanging out because i'm not just going to write a blog about how lonely i am all the time!  i was lonely most of the time in charlotte, too, to be honest.

Today a guy with no arms came into gecko.  he was all decked out in biking gear, with his friend, and the baristas were questioning him about how he bikes.  he told them he has a recumbent, which you just peddle with your legs.  i was intensely curious, too, but didn't go out to look.  he made me feel extremely lazy.

after this i'm going to trader joe's, which is exciting.  their food is so cheap and awesome, and i haven't shopped there in forever, and i like shopping there almost as much as i like actually eating the stuff.  my kingdom for an oven!  or a microwave!  george forman grill?  2 burner camp stove...?  well, okay.

The Twilight Bark

I sat down to write after working today and I'm so tired I can't think of anything that happened!

Oh yeah.  I was selling wings when 2 dudes walked up with their kids and asked to buy some.  One of them started hounding me, bigtime, asking to take me out to dinner, and when I demurred, breakfast.  (in a tone suggesting the breakfast would occur after a night filled with spicy latino lovemaking) I told him coldly that it was a school night and if I took the day off I'd lose money, so he joked that he'd pay me double AND give me a free breakfast.  I said, "Nothing's free", demurred again and told him I was spoken for, (a big fat lie) and that stopped him.  He just said "he's a lucky guy!", and I laughed, and they left after buying some wings, saying:  "man, white girls are hostile!"  I'm not hostile, I just have an empty perfume bottle where my heart should be.  Also, he was short and not cute.  I haven't been flirted with like that in a while, it was semi-flattering but mostly uncomfortable.  At least I got 2 sales out of it.

At the end of the day, as everyone gets back to their campsites, the air fills with the sounds of dogs barking and howling, eager to be fed, walked, and loved on.  It makes me miss my dogs at home so much.  I'm glad I don't have the extra responsibility of caring for a dog, but every time I see one I just want to pet it.

My neighbors are all gathered outside, probably smoking an end-of-day bowl.  Actually, they definitely are, I just heard them offering smoke to a newcomer.  I don't really smoke anymore, but now that i'm out here I definitely see why people do, and I have a few times.  I have to remember that no one cares if I act silly or say dumb shit, because they're all baked all day anyway.  I've even started smoking cigarettes during the day again, at least on faire days.  But I don't drink nearly as much, usually because I'm so exhausted that I pass out after one beer.  I haven't even had to take my melatonin since I've been out here, I fall asleep so easily.

Time to venture out and feed my rumbly tummy.  I'm so excited to buy my camp stove next week so I can finally cook at home!  Rennies love ramen, of course, but I'm not a fan.  I'm so spoiled!  Looks like I'll probably be surviving off of mac and cheese, beans and rice, chili in a can, and whatever else comes in a can.

season of the gecko

well, I survived the first weekend and kid's days!  I'm sitting at Gecko now, drinking a chocolate peanut butter freeze and creating this blog.  This is the first time I'm actually writing as it happened...the previous posts were all written at random times.

Tuesday was the first kid's day and it was cold and rainy and miserable.  I had a little extra cash, so I got myself a cheap motel room and had a shower and lounged about all night eating In-N-Out and drinking beers and using the internet.  It was extremely pleasant.

The wing booth is pretty weird.  I haven't quite got the hang of it yet but I've been making sales anyway.  I'm right in between the Flying DaVinci machine and the new world joust, two rides that my ninja neighbors work at.  All day long, when the others aren't looking, they'll hop the fences and "kill" each other.  Danielle, my rose-girl friend, is also involved, but I think I'll stay out of it and declare myself Switzerland.  Or maybe Sweden.  You know, one of those neutral countries.

Last night I went over to Ash's camp and hung out with him.  He's one of the pirates at the other booth, and we'd worked together all day kid's days while Patrick manned the wing booth.  I was hired purely as security, to make sure kids didn't steal any of the jewelry or toy pistols.  To make myself more menacing I carried one of the pistols around.  One of the kids exclaimed, "She's got a gun!"  which made me laugh.  But back to socializing, it was nice to, finally.  I've been secluding myself mostly because I've been extremely tired and my computer's battery is shit, and I have nothing to plug it into, so I can watch about half an episode of Sherlock or Downton Abbey before I have to close up.

I wake up really early every morning though, like 6:30, which is great because it gives me time to do more stuff, and by the time I lay down I sleep all night, except for the occasional 4 am wakeup to use the bathroom, an excursion usually fraught with terror because of the coyotes.  I haven't actually seen any, but a few nights ago they were RIGHT outside the tent, so close I could hear their footsteps.  Paw-steps.  I huddled under the blankets for a bit before steeling myself and grabbing my flashlight and running to the bathroom.  Way down the lane I saw a canine figure, standing, and thought:  "okay.  it's okay.  it's more scared of you than you are of it...coyotes are just the middle ground between wolves and foxes and you love them..."  Then it started barking at me!  It was just a dog, probably woken up by the coyotes just like I had been.  What a relief!  I promptly went back to sleep and dreamt that I was accosted by a pack of 14 coyotes and they ripped me to shreds.  Thanks, subconscious!

Anyway, I'm enjoying myself out here thus far.  It can be a bit lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people, and they're all very nice and friendly.  I'll catch my groove soon enough.

door to door

Well, I couldn't be more happy with today!

But let's start with yesterday.  It was my first day of work.  I went to Treasures of the High Seas (hereafter to be referred to as TotHS) to help my boss and his two pirate workers do some things.  I mostly just stamped receipt pads and put jewelry out.  Patrick (my boss) is really harried right now getting everything in the booth set up while also making wings, so he was a bit short with us, but I can tell he's a cool guy.  The other pirates are cool as well.  That's about all that happened yesterday besides checking in with Matt, my mom's friend and one of the jousters.

Today I went to the grocery store down the street to use the coinstar, thus tripling my funds (I can't wait for faire to start so I'll have some money!) I noticed a little cafe beside it that advertised free wifi so I went in.  Everyone was really nice, and I was informed that rennies get a 5% discount if we show our pass.  Awesome!  As I settled in next to an outlet, 2 girls my age walked in giggling.  They weren't hippie-ish so I thought they might be locals until the woman behind the counter asked where they were from and they said the renaissance festival!

Apparently they're from Pittsburgh and only one is working here, her best friend just came to make sure she survived the drive, but she's leaving after this weekend.  It's Danielle's first time on the circuit as well, so we all spent about 3 hours just gabbing away, much to the amusement of a young native with a door to door painting business, who listened in and joined our conversation.

I can already tell that Danielle and I are going to be good friends, because she's really similar to me and sweet and uninvolved in any drama.  If Nicole was staying we'd be good friends too, but she said she was glad Danielle would have someone to hang out with.  We've already made plans to take day trips to a wolf sanctuary in new mexico, sedona, and various hiking adventures.  I'm excited to have a friend finally!  Hopefully she'll keep me from being too much of a hermit.  So not only did I make a friend, I found a place to sit and charge my computer and use the internet and hang out!  Several rennies came in and out so it seems like a nice, Ren approved spot.

When i got back to site, I called Jim (my friend in the ninja camp) and he helped set up my perma-tent.  It's HUGE and spacious and I'm relaxing in it now.

I need to get a little dust buster to de-dirtify the floor because it's pretty bad.  Add that to the list of Things To Buy When I Have Money.  This weekend will be hectic, then next week is student days, also hectic, and then NEXT week is a 3 day weekend!  Instead of fretting about all the work and such I just keep thinking:  I'm going to make SO much money!  Stay positive, right?

last night i saw a jackrabbit with a woman's face

I'm here!  It's 4:30 am.  I fell asleep early because i was exhausted and sore from setting up my temporary tent and all the walking.  I'm pretty much at the farthest end of "Camp Paradise", in what is known as The Quiet Zone.  When the camp director was bringing me around to look for spots, I saw a few good ones but they all had something weird about them.  Then we came to the last spot, and there it was.  The perfect little campsite, with a tree spreading branches over the whole area for shade and a rock border built by someone years ago.  Room enough for my car, and close enough to run power out of it.  Unfortunately, my actual tent didn't arrive yet, so I had to borrow david's which is much smaller, but still works.  Of course I fought to set it up but the Painted Lady, who gave me a whole bag of french hard rolls as soon as I arrived, saying "welcome to the neighborhood!", noticed I was struggling and helped me out.  

The wind was pretty gnarly when I went to bed, but it's calmed down now.  I am most pleased with my bed.  I'm all snug and warm, tucked in.  At first I was a little too warm, but then I woke up cold and pulled my second comforter over me and it was perfect.  I just can't wait to get my real tent so I can set everything up and unpack my car, which is an unholy mess.

There was a full moon drum jam last night out in the desert.  I almost went, but when I went back to my tent to grab a lighter jacket my group left and I couldn't find them again.  Then my phone died, and I got lost, so I just came back here and watched Sherlock.  I examined my feelings about missing out (and getting left behind when I'd only been gone 5 minutes) and I didn't really have any.  I'd probably have been a little uncomfortable and wanted to come home early anyway.    As it was, i fell asleep within an hour so it wasn't a big deal.  It would have been fun, but there'll be plenty of opportunities to be sociable later on.  One reason I like this campsite so much is because I have no immediate neighbors, so i can be as hermit-like as I choose, and I have the entire desert as my backyard.  (not that I can go out in it, but it is nice to look at. )  I heard a coyote or two crying out in the night.  Little babies!  

My first day of work starts in a few hours.  There's always so much to do before the faire opens!  And on top of that I have to go get my package with all the rest of my stuff, take down this tent, set up the real one, and unpack!  I don't know when it'll all be done but I wish I could fast forward through it.  But that's part of the life!  

erasmus snow and william jordan flake

We made it to Snowflake, Arizona.  I still have 3 and a half hours before I go to the festival site, but my traveling companion's parents offered to let me stay an extra night before I go out there (mostly because my tent hasn't arrived yet.) 

The rest of the trip was mind-numbing.  The most interesting part landscape-wise, new mexico, we of course drove through at night.  At least the moon is almost full, so i could see the shadows of snow-capped peaks and mountains while I tried not to drive off the road from exhaustion or be run over by an 18 wheeler.  My stomach has been angry at me since the trip began.  Travel is of course very stressful, and stress manifests in your GI tract. 

But we're here now, and I'm glad that I got to stay here for a day.  David's mom gave me a tour of their house, which is deceptively huge.  The layout makes no sense, but there are lots of rooms and a million skylights.  In the very center of the house is the "healing room", home to a big massage table, a giant dreamcatcher, and all sorts of new age books and CDs that play all day, piped into the rest of the house.  Around every corner there are geodes and crystals and glass bowls filled with rocks and crystals and divining rods.  She told me that she and her husband found their true calling was in spiritual work.  It's interesting to me that "spiritual" "new age" people are actually just super chilled out christians who believe in magic.  I guess ALL christians have to fundamentally believe in magic (jesus doing all his cool tricks and all that)  In addition to all the crystals and witchy stuff there are pictures of Jesus and saints and angels.  I'm a staunch atheist, but I'm really interested in new age practices.  I guess it's part of my wiccan background, but I think it's mostly aesthetically pleasing.  It's like catholic imagery mixed with a kind of kooky witchiness.  They believe in the saints, and each saint has his or her own powers that you can use as you need.  Kind of like Pokemon.  My saint of choice is St. Christopher, because he's the saint of travel and there's so much of that involved in my life now, but also because of the St Christopher medal I took from my dad and wear every single day.  Of course I don't really believe in that stuff, but I'd rather believe in a different god for EVERYTHING, than just one god.  Obviously my preference is not believing in any gods.  

Their artist friend is currently parked in her RV in their driveway.  She's apparently the most spiritual person they've ever met.  I couldn't tell from meeting her.  It's her birthday so after dinner they put a candle in a fresh made coconut cream pie and we sang happy birthday.  It was an adorable moment.  Also that pie!   I don't know how anyone can eat whipped cream from a can or a tub when it's so easy to make and tastes a million times better.  

Anyway, they're good people.  They're so kind that talking to them gives me the nice tinglies.  I'm not sure if I believe in spiritual energy and healing vibrations and crystal powers and all that, but I do feel at peace now that I'm actually out in the desert, which is how I always feel when I'm here.  There is definitely Something About It.  I'm extremely pleased that it will be my home for the next 2 months.  

the journey (is about to) begin!

In just a few days I'll be leaving the security of my cave-like room in my little blanket-festooned futon nook at my parent's house in Huntersville, NC to drive almost across the country to Phoenix, AZ, there to join the Renaissance Festival circuit.  

There's a whole story about how I got started in the festival, but I think I'll save that for another time.  This is the year that I am finally able to head out on the road, something that I've dearly wished for since I was 16.  I'm excited, nervous, scared, mostly just happy that I've finally found something that I want to do and that I've wanted to do for longer than 6 months.  Well…I haven't done it for 6 months in a row yet, but I'm fairly confident it will work out.  Oh god, now that I've written it, maybe it won't?  How many times have I thought 'THIS is what I really want to do and what I've really wanted to do all along!'  and then gotten bored of it or haven't been able to follow through?  A million times that's happened, but I can definitely say that this has been a dream of mine for 10 years.  Even if I hate it, I'll have done it.  Somehow though, I don't think I will hate it.  All of my friends think it's perfect for me.  My mom, who I started the faire with, is most excited of all, because she knows it's something I've always wanted to do, and she's always wanted me to do.   She even bought the tent that I'm going to live in!

Here's some logistics:  I'm going to be living in a tent, in a campground on-site.  There are no REAL bathrooms…just shower houses and porta-potties (eek!) I'm only bringing one suitcase of clothes in addition to my faire clothes. (I was very surprised to find that I OWN more than one suitcase of clothes, since I feel like I wear the same thing all the time.)  In Arizona I'll be working for a guy who makes dragon wings and bat wings, selling those.  He also runs a pirate store.  The rest of the faires I'm going to I'll be working at and managing the shop I manage in Carolina - Ophelia's Fyne Clothing.  It's period clothing like dresses, chemises, skirts, bodices, doublets, bloomers, etc. all handmade by a little dynamo named Leanne, as sweet and talented a "boss" as I've ever had.   I will know some people when I go out there - including my ex-boyfriend, one third of a comedy juggling act - but largely I'll be all on my own.  

I'm super excited to start out on my weird gypsy nomad hippie/carnie traveling life.  I'm a little different from a lot of the people who do this for a living.  You could call me more hipster than hippie, that's for sure.  I'm into things like music and fashion and the internet and trashy reality TV.  I'm curious if I'll find anyone out there to share some of these things in common with.  I hear it's a very community-driven place, and I can be a bit hermit-like.  Hopefully this will help me to come out of my shell a bit more.  It'll be very interesting to find out how my particular brand of black magic meshes with the attitudes of those around me.  

Only one more full day before I leave…I'm excited to start this journey!  I am not, however, excited about driving 2,000 miles across the country in 2 days with all my belongings in my little nissan centra.  Don't people usually take planes?  And sleep in hotels, on real beds?  Oh god, what have I gotten myself into…..?