babies having babies

Today, instead of posting about my life at the renaissance festival, (I drive to the library every day, I eat salads and grilled cheeses almost exclusively, I'm bored with everyone every day but Sunday nights) I am going to write a rant!

At my age, it's not unusual to have many friends who have children.  Some of them even have multiple children by now.  I don't think any of my friends with kids are bad parents, at all, but something that I saw while lurking facebook really disturbed me.  A girl I went to high school with who just had her 3rd child (what's the rush, people!  what happened to enjoying your twenties??)  posted one of those corny image macro things, which said:

"without my children,
my house would be clean,
my wallet would be full,
but my heart would be empty."

Of course all the other mommies liked it, including ANOTHER girl I went to high school with who has 3 children and is engaged to be married a second time (we're all only 27.)  I really don't care if you want to have a ton of kids, but it makes me really sad to read something like that.  It implies that those of us who have chosen not to start having kids right out of high school, or, you know, have chosen to use birth control, are EMPTY in our HEARTS because we don't have children.  The way I've always seen it is that having children doesn't make you more complete, it breaks pieces of you off and then sends them out into a cruel world to ignore all your good advice, make you constantly worried, and constantly ask you for money.  Of course that's the ultimate worst part of having kids, and I know that there are joys every day of watching someone learn the world again for the first time blah blah etc.  It just bothers me when people make their WHOLE lives about their kids and leave no part for themselves.
My parents definitely had their own lives outside of me, which I don't remember ever feeling resentful about as a child, because they still had plenty of time for me.  Of course, I'm an only child, but if I had a sibling I don't think it would've been any different.  I think they were complete in themselves before they had me and I think they are complete in themselves and as a unit together now that I'm grown and sort of flown the nest.
And I feel like I'm complete in myself now, as a single, never-been-married, childless, approaching 30 (god) woman.  I don't feel the need to have kids to complete myself, and while I'd like a partner in crime to spend my days and nights with, I'm not OBSESSED with the idea of finding him.  It's fun to be able to go where I want, travel the country, sleep all day, eat when I'm hungry, flirt with boys, drink all night if I want, do the occasional drug that comes my way, etc.  I SHOULD be doing this, because I'm still young.
Not that there are parents that I know who are all about their kids.  Most of my closer friends who have kids still go out from time to time, and their job isn't "being a parent."  They're all happy family units without spending every day posting obsessive pics of their children.  I think the most telling sign of losing yourself to your children is having a picture of your child as YOUR profile picture on facebook. How sad is that?  I, for one, think it's really sad.

In conclusion, my heart is empty for a lot of reasons, but being childless is NOT one of them.

There was my rant on people with kids, I hope you liked it.

no one can see me

I went to new york City last week, and I'm going again next week!  I loved it more than ever this trip.  Sometimes when I go, I don't like it and the subway is menacing and the streets are impossible to navigate.  But this time, I had fun navigating Port Authority and Penn Station by myself and all the trains magically pulled into the station at the exact time as I was walking into the station.   I think I liked the city so much this time because I felt so anonymous, finally.  I liked walking around and knowing that no one knew who I was or where I worked and no one cared what I was doing.  I'm pretty sure it's the same here but sometimes when I start my car I just know at least 3 people will turn and look at me and it feels so heavy that they all know my name.

bangarang

I told myself I had to write, so I am writing.  Ummm, what?

I just had Bobby shave off a piece of the side of my hair.  I love it.  I can hide it if I want, or show it off, but either way I love it.  There are a bunch of other girls with undercuts at the faire so I finally went ahead and did it.

I am liking New York so far, the show is awesome.  I am making so much money!!!  I love love love working at the Cappucino Inn.  All day I just write on cups and hand drinks to people.  Sometimes they want the drinks to be complicated, but I don't have to make the drinks so I don't mind.  I get as many free drinks all day as I want, and people tip really well.

I have yet to make it into the city, but I'm planning on going next week.  I can't wait to see my paaaaalllsssss.  Usually I go to NYC at least twice a year, for new year's and my birthday.  Obviously I couldn't make it for my birthday as I was in Colorado, but this'll make up for it.

I've been feeling pretty loner-ish at this show.  I only hang out with one group of people, and then only a few nights a week.  I kind of feel like I don't fit in and that only a few of them actually like me, but that might be because I'm so quiet that I probably seem a bit snooty.  It doesn't really matter though, because my attitude towards everything lately has been 'OH WELL WHO CARES.'  I think I am just building a shell against the severely annoying random things that happen to me almost every day.  For instance, today I went to get some food and I had to go inside to use the bathroom, and walked right into a nightmare where there were kids screaming and moms screaming at the kids, every cashier was a thousand years old and moving at a snail's pace, the thousand year old cashier looked at me like I was crazy when i asked him to put mustard on my burger and just sneered, "we don't have mustard.  but I can give you a mustard packet."  and then never gave me a mustard packet.  That sort of thing.  Oh also I was severely hungover.    Anyway, when these things happen, I just scream OH WELL WHO CARES at the problem until I really don't care.

Another annoying thing is that I feel like I have no one to talk to, or no one is ever responding to me when I try to talk to them.  I just got a new phone and I'm so lonely here that I try to text my friends back home or elsewhere and just....silence.  WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS?  I can't feel oh well who cares about it because i DO care that I feel totally alone and abandoned.  I could always just go and be more social here, but sometimes it's too hard (TWSS).

Whatever.  I'll navigate around my feelings/lack of feelings and the road leads me home next, anyway.  That is sad too because my parents had to put down my dog a couple months ago, and I didn't get to really say goodbye to her.  I don't think I mentioned that on here...but yeah.  It was a tragedy.

Don't even get me started on the internet situation in this location.  It is bonkers.  Anyway.

Here I am in New York!  The reason I haven't updated in a while is because there hasn't been much to update.  I've been spending all my time just hanging out with my friend at his booth watching movies and getting drunk, etc.

But now I'm in New York!

I got a job selling coffee and tea at the Cappucino Inn.  Apparently the tips are great at this show so I could be making a lot more money than I have at the other shows.  Colorado was a total bust as far as that was concerned, and I really disliked my job (never ended up working in the capes booth, just tying corsets all day until all the skin on my fingers ripped off...) and wasn't right for it, and what with the fires raging all over the state, nobody really came out, and if they did they didn't buy anything.  It's an awesome state, though, and I did have a good time friending around with my friend.  We spent, I think, every day together for 6 weeks but 3.  Now we're in separate states and it's weird.  I miss him, but it'll be a really good thing to not have something to fall back on every day and actually go out and make new friends.  I live across the path from some gutter punk looking kids, so that's promising!  During the week, though, I'll probably be spending as much time as possible in the city with my best friends.

The drive from Colorado to New York was pretty intense.  In Pennsylvania I started hallucinating and the mountains were so foggy and spooky and the moon was full and I watched all these crazy clouds turning into freaky shapes:  a dragon with the moon for it's eye, a giant bat reaching out with its hand and eating the moon.  It was surreal and awesome.  Everyone told me that Kansas majorly sucks to drive through, but there were lightning storms there all night as we drove through so it was actually pretty cool to see.  I wouldn't want to repeat it again, though.  At least...not til next year!