The Final Problem, or, a character building exercise I never wanted

I've always had very vivid dreams, the kind where I'm convinced it's truly happening until I actually wake up and it's very obvious that it was a dream.  Normally something terrible is happening and I'm extremely relieved to wake up.  I'm still waiting to wake up from today, but I don't think it's going to happen.

I've been driving since friday, from north carolina to get to arizona.  Today was supposed to be my last day of driving.  About 5 hours in, in the middle of bumfuck nowhere new mexico, my car started shaking and making a crazy noise, so I pulled over on the ramp and stopped it.  I waited a while, trying it out, until it became clear that it was not going to start.  Now, the only thing on this exit was a house a little ways to the side, and a group of buildings mared Motel and Gas across the bridge on the other side of the interstate, so I started walking to the 'Motel'.  As I got closer, I noticed that there was a closed cafe and 'trucker bar' on the premises as well.  I walked closer to the tiny, low buildings, and a bunch of dogs behind a chain link fence started barking their heads off.  I was kind of wandering aimlessly because there was no sign of life except a few pickups scattered around, when all of a sudden a rottweiler, that was NOT behind a chain link fence, came running after me.   Now, I am NOT afraid of dogs, no matter what breed, so I didn't freak out and start running, instead just backed up and said soothingly, 'okay, okay, I'll go away...'  Once I started backing away it stopped chasing me, and luckily I didn't get chewed up by a loose dog.

So, I walked back across the bridge to my car, trying very hard not to burst into tears, because that wouldn't help anything.  After a little while of sitting in my car, a car pulls up and they ask if I'm alright.  I told them what happened and the guy said, 'let me get my uncle, he's a mechanic!' and they pulled away and lo and behold, they were the people who lived in the house, the ONLY house on the exit!

To make a long story short, the uncle (who had one leg and had clearly been drinking) determined that I had a problem with my fuel line or timing in my engine, and he could do nothing to fix it.  So I called my motor club, which is like AAA but not, and had it towed to the mechanic they showed me, which of course is closed because today is Sunday, so I had to spend the extra money my dad gave me for my trip on another night in a motel.  I've been so exhausted and worried and sad that I'm alternating between bursting into tears, and feeling like I'm gonna throw up.  I haven't eaten anything and really should, but I don't know if I could even choke it down.  And, lucky me, the gas station next to the motel doesn't sell beer!

I normally have good luck with things like this, so I'm just really bummed that it's happening and I'm stuck in Moriarty, New Mexico, when I should be halfway to Arizona and the boy.  That's another thing that bums me out, after a month of being apart we would finally be reunited tonight, and now who knows when I'll get there?  If things like this happening are supposed to build character, I'd much rather be someone shallow who people roll their eyes at because they've never known hardship.  This is just the worst thing that could happen.  :(

farewell, charlotte

well, i haven't written in this for a while, obviously!

there would be all of the north carolina faire, my home show, to go through, but not much REALLY happened there.  i kind of redefined my relationship with a boy, we're kind of a thing, it's not a big deal.  I mean, it kind of is, but that's not for here.

I manage the clothing store Ophelia's in NC, and this year was markedly underwhelming.  Part of me feels like I could have focused more on the store, instead of my personal life, but, other than crowds, it was an underwhelming sales year at that show in general.  It was a year, it was gotten through, I had a dude living in the booth with me who also happened to be present at my family thanksgiving and christmas eves, a first time for me.  No big deal.

The weirdest thing I noticed since being on the road was how...not home I felt when I got home.  Sure, it's great to be with my parents and I love them more than anything.  I had the boy with me until christmas day and we were kind of content to be in each other's company, although we did go out to hang with my old charlotte friends a few times.  But after I left, I thought I'd be going out all the time.  Instead, I didn't go out at all, except for new year's, but that was just at my old best friend's house and didn't count as "out."  I saw all my old friends from when I lived here, and I think I just ultimately feel like I don't really belong here anymore.  I used to have my niche with a certain group of people who I would just go out with and party but it isn't like that at all anymore.  I'd rather stay in, which isn't anything different, but in the old days I was at least very gung-ho about being out when I was out.  Now every time I've gone out I couldn't help but wish I was just back at home.  I just don't feel like I have any place in Charlotte life anymore.  I don't feel better or worse than it, just like I found where I truly belong, on the road, and I've grown out of all of that.  I still love my old friends, but I'm in a completely different place.  Nobody was here who was dying to have me come hang out, because I had been gone almost a whole year and everybody moved on.  Normally I'd be livid that everyone was hanging out without me, but I don't really care anymore.  I didn't expect an Amber-shaped hole to form, I just didn't expect the Charlotte-shaped hole to fill in inside me quite so quickly.

It's a good place to come home to, but my real home and my real friend-family is now on the road.  I didn't expect it all to happen within a year of my getting on the road, but I feel hopeful and excited for the year to come, and more than ready to leave this banker's city in the dust.  I still might not exactly fit in with the rennie community, but I don't exactly fit in with my old life, either.  I at least found a few people who my sense of humor vibed with...and let's just face it...traveling is more fun!

The bottom line is, charlotte people may or may not have changed while I was gone, but I definitely did.  And I'm less sad to be leaving it behind this year than I was the last.

don't turn your back me

Hey, this thing almost has 1,000 pageviews!  Thanks for viewing my page.

I keep reminding myself that I have to write, write, write.  It's easier to write when stuff is actually going on.

After an unpleasant, 5-second encounter in a night that was otherwise very fun and  pleasant, I ran home (Sunday nights I always seem to run home, happy that I'm free of the burden of all my friends talking at once, very quickly, while slowly starting to ignore me.)  to lie in bed thinking "fuck this, fuck this."  I woke up with a hangover, of course, thought "fuck THIS" again and fled to the library where I sat angrily staring out the window at the most perfect, beautiful day.  I also ate a bagel next to a fake waterfall and let the waterfall splash on me a little.  After the bagel I felt better.  I don't feel "fuck this" anymore, I am just ready to go home.  I remembered something that I tell myself all the time, that I heard in a podcast.  "It's okay to just walk away."  "You don't HAVE to hang out with anybody."  I am being vague, I'll just say that a girl scolded me and I hate being scolded.  Nobody here knows anything about me.  How could you be mean to the quiet girl, oh because your girlfriend sells drugs and you're always on drugs and everybody is drunk.  Well, that's fine.

 I have 2 books to finish before I move back to NC and will possibly have no time to finish a book.  I'm going to be living with that boy again, a problem which i am half pleased about/half worried about.   It isn't really a big deal, I am mostly excited to be going back to North Carolina.  It's perfect to live in NC for only 4 months out of the year, just enough time so that I don't become dull and start hating it.  Spending the hottest months in a mountain climate (although this year it was as hot as anywhere in Colorado.)  although next year I might do Bonnaroo and Grassroots instead.  You work every day there, maybe I would serve Yeasayer and Kanye West burritos.  Wouldn't that be awesome?  A girl told me, "You should have a boyfriend if you go to those shows.  Otherwise you will just have boys ALL OVER YOU."  Sounds alright to me!

I decided to decide to start running.  Basically I want to lose weight but I don't want to give up my lifestyle of eating whatever I want and drinking lots of beers.  Running seems like the best exercise because once you're out and start running, you're too far away to just quit and go back and take a nap.  You have to at LEAST walk back to where you began, which is still exercise.  Also, you can do it anywhere, etc.  I almost went for my first "run" (walking mostly, running for one minute intervals) today in the state park, but it's always so dark inside when I pass by, and I don't know if there's parking close to the entrance, and I didn't have much gas and didn't want to get stuck in the dark, scary forest.  Excuses, excuses!  The real excuse is I don't have real running shoes and I don't want to fuck my feet up before I've even properly begun.  So there!

Despite all these worries and troubles, strangely, this is the best show so far.  I make a lot more money than at any of the other shows, I like my job a LOT, and I like the people I work for, and with.  All of these factors have never come together in any of my other jobs, except Ophelia's in Texas and NC.  Hopefully I can have the same job in Arizona.  We don't make such good tips there but it would still be better than what I made this year at that wings-selling job which I HATED.  I think I am just so antsy because I'm so close to home.  If this was the first show  or even a middle show I'd be so happy.  Also New York/New Jersey is kind of a ridiculous place.  I'm finally starting to see why my parents moved us to NC.  OH MY SWEEEEET CAROLINA!  

babies having babies

Today, instead of posting about my life at the renaissance festival, (I drive to the library every day, I eat salads and grilled cheeses almost exclusively, I'm bored with everyone every day but Sunday nights) I am going to write a rant!

At my age, it's not unusual to have many friends who have children.  Some of them even have multiple children by now.  I don't think any of my friends with kids are bad parents, at all, but something that I saw while lurking facebook really disturbed me.  A girl I went to high school with who just had her 3rd child (what's the rush, people!  what happened to enjoying your twenties??)  posted one of those corny image macro things, which said:

"without my children,
my house would be clean,
my wallet would be full,
but my heart would be empty."

Of course all the other mommies liked it, including ANOTHER girl I went to high school with who has 3 children and is engaged to be married a second time (we're all only 27.)  I really don't care if you want to have a ton of kids, but it makes me really sad to read something like that.  It implies that those of us who have chosen not to start having kids right out of high school, or, you know, have chosen to use birth control, are EMPTY in our HEARTS because we don't have children.  The way I've always seen it is that having children doesn't make you more complete, it breaks pieces of you off and then sends them out into a cruel world to ignore all your good advice, make you constantly worried, and constantly ask you for money.  Of course that's the ultimate worst part of having kids, and I know that there are joys every day of watching someone learn the world again for the first time blah blah etc.  It just bothers me when people make their WHOLE lives about their kids and leave no part for themselves.
My parents definitely had their own lives outside of me, which I don't remember ever feeling resentful about as a child, because they still had plenty of time for me.  Of course, I'm an only child, but if I had a sibling I don't think it would've been any different.  I think they were complete in themselves before they had me and I think they are complete in themselves and as a unit together now that I'm grown and sort of flown the nest.
And I feel like I'm complete in myself now, as a single, never-been-married, childless, approaching 30 (god) woman.  I don't feel the need to have kids to complete myself, and while I'd like a partner in crime to spend my days and nights with, I'm not OBSESSED with the idea of finding him.  It's fun to be able to go where I want, travel the country, sleep all day, eat when I'm hungry, flirt with boys, drink all night if I want, do the occasional drug that comes my way, etc.  I SHOULD be doing this, because I'm still young.
Not that there are parents that I know who are all about their kids.  Most of my closer friends who have kids still go out from time to time, and their job isn't "being a parent."  They're all happy family units without spending every day posting obsessive pics of their children.  I think the most telling sign of losing yourself to your children is having a picture of your child as YOUR profile picture on facebook. How sad is that?  I, for one, think it's really sad.

In conclusion, my heart is empty for a lot of reasons, but being childless is NOT one of them.

There was my rant on people with kids, I hope you liked it.

no one can see me

I went to new york City last week, and I'm going again next week!  I loved it more than ever this trip.  Sometimes when I go, I don't like it and the subway is menacing and the streets are impossible to navigate.  But this time, I had fun navigating Port Authority and Penn Station by myself and all the trains magically pulled into the station at the exact time as I was walking into the station.   I think I liked the city so much this time because I felt so anonymous, finally.  I liked walking around and knowing that no one knew who I was or where I worked and no one cared what I was doing.  I'm pretty sure it's the same here but sometimes when I start my car I just know at least 3 people will turn and look at me and it feels so heavy that they all know my name.

bangarang

I told myself I had to write, so I am writing.  Ummm, what?

I just had Bobby shave off a piece of the side of my hair.  I love it.  I can hide it if I want, or show it off, but either way I love it.  There are a bunch of other girls with undercuts at the faire so I finally went ahead and did it.

I am liking New York so far, the show is awesome.  I am making so much money!!!  I love love love working at the Cappucino Inn.  All day I just write on cups and hand drinks to people.  Sometimes they want the drinks to be complicated, but I don't have to make the drinks so I don't mind.  I get as many free drinks all day as I want, and people tip really well.

I have yet to make it into the city, but I'm planning on going next week.  I can't wait to see my paaaaalllsssss.  Usually I go to NYC at least twice a year, for new year's and my birthday.  Obviously I couldn't make it for my birthday as I was in Colorado, but this'll make up for it.

I've been feeling pretty loner-ish at this show.  I only hang out with one group of people, and then only a few nights a week.  I kind of feel like I don't fit in and that only a few of them actually like me, but that might be because I'm so quiet that I probably seem a bit snooty.  It doesn't really matter though, because my attitude towards everything lately has been 'OH WELL WHO CARES.'  I think I am just building a shell against the severely annoying random things that happen to me almost every day.  For instance, today I went to get some food and I had to go inside to use the bathroom, and walked right into a nightmare where there were kids screaming and moms screaming at the kids, every cashier was a thousand years old and moving at a snail's pace, the thousand year old cashier looked at me like I was crazy when i asked him to put mustard on my burger and just sneered, "we don't have mustard.  but I can give you a mustard packet."  and then never gave me a mustard packet.  That sort of thing.  Oh also I was severely hungover.    Anyway, when these things happen, I just scream OH WELL WHO CARES at the problem until I really don't care.

Another annoying thing is that I feel like I have no one to talk to, or no one is ever responding to me when I try to talk to them.  I just got a new phone and I'm so lonely here that I try to text my friends back home or elsewhere and just....silence.  WHAT THE FUCK, GUYS?  I can't feel oh well who cares about it because i DO care that I feel totally alone and abandoned.  I could always just go and be more social here, but sometimes it's too hard (TWSS).

Whatever.  I'll navigate around my feelings/lack of feelings and the road leads me home next, anyway.  That is sad too because my parents had to put down my dog a couple months ago, and I didn't get to really say goodbye to her.  I don't think I mentioned that on here...but yeah.  It was a tragedy.

Don't even get me started on the internet situation in this location.  It is bonkers.  Anyway.

Here I am in New York!  The reason I haven't updated in a while is because there hasn't been much to update.  I've been spending all my time just hanging out with my friend at his booth watching movies and getting drunk, etc.

But now I'm in New York!

I got a job selling coffee and tea at the Cappucino Inn.  Apparently the tips are great at this show so I could be making a lot more money than I have at the other shows.  Colorado was a total bust as far as that was concerned, and I really disliked my job (never ended up working in the capes booth, just tying corsets all day until all the skin on my fingers ripped off...) and wasn't right for it, and what with the fires raging all over the state, nobody really came out, and if they did they didn't buy anything.  It's an awesome state, though, and I did have a good time friending around with my friend.  We spent, I think, every day together for 6 weeks but 3.  Now we're in separate states and it's weird.  I miss him, but it'll be a really good thing to not have something to fall back on every day and actually go out and make new friends.  I live across the path from some gutter punk looking kids, so that's promising!  During the week, though, I'll probably be spending as much time as possible in the city with my best friends.

The drive from Colorado to New York was pretty intense.  In Pennsylvania I started hallucinating and the mountains were so foggy and spooky and the moon was full and I watched all these crazy clouds turning into freaky shapes:  a dragon with the moon for it's eye, a giant bat reaching out with its hand and eating the moon.  It was surreal and awesome.  Everyone told me that Kansas majorly sucks to drive through, but there were lightning storms there all night as we drove through so it was actually pretty cool to see.  I wouldn't want to repeat it again, though.  At least...not til next year!